Your Weekly Events Update writes to you this week with a tinge of sadness.  The final edition of the update can only come with mixed emotions, as the Update must live forever with the knowledge that many of its loyal readers must now look elsewhere for their weekly snark.  As we all know, snark is a critical part of a balanced breakfast.  As such, Your Weekly Events Update implores the future composer of the Weekly Events, whatever its form and whoever it may be, to continue the tradition of snark.  Events themselves are sometimes less than entertaining, it's the snark that brings 'em back.  By the same token, ye loyal readers, every Weekly Events Updater is different: do not scold, chide, or tar and feather a future Update for a different tone of snark - all forms of snark are valuable to the advancement of society.  Remember that not 2 years ago Your Weekly Events Update was learning the art of snark itself - these things take time.  That being said, let's make this one good.

Events for the Week of April 26 - May 2,

Monday, April 26:

All day - Last Day of Classes a.k.a. Worthless Day - Even the professors don't want to be in class.  Some of them anyway.  Others use this day to assign the rest of the syllabus they've spent all semester neglecting.  They should make a damages cap on professors.  As in, if a prof has 1/3 of the syllabus left to cover in the last week of classes and attempts to do so, he will be enjoined from covering it and forced to ride the slow elevators all day with 3 of the construction workers who have been "working" on the air- conditioning on the fourth floor.  But what they've actually been doing is walking around the building and pushing all the elevator buttons and then hiding, snickering as members of the Law Review try to manually close the elevator to avoid being late to class. Enough digression.  But seriously, why?

Tuesday, April 27:

Reading Day - a.k.a. PANICPANICPANICPANICPANICPANICPANICPANICPANICPANICPANICPANIC Day (if you are a 1L).  If you are a 3L, however, this is like any other day, a day on which you will wake up, consider coming to class, discover that the Real World Marathon begins at noon when you should be attending Elder Law, and adjourn the day to your couch or comparable comfy place. Reading Day is also a good day to do the laundry, walk the dog, and remove the shrink-wrap from your 4th edition brand new textbooks, which have been in use as doorstops all semester.  After all, the 3rd edition of such a critical casebook wouldn't have been sufficient for Int'l Business Transactions/Creatures - you really needed the 4th.  I promise.  You should unwrap them now with the same glee you had when you unwrapped that brand new Wolverine action figure when you were 6.  Playing with toys is cool.

Wednesday, April 28:

Exams begin.  At this point, you might actually want to open your pristine 4th Edition Transnational Business Problems book.  Sometimes there is buried treasure in ancient tomes.

Thursday, April 29:

Opposite Day.  Phantasmagoria!!! (Gratuitous Word of the Week!).

Friday, April 30:

National "Who Can Make the Coolest Paper Airplane" Day.  No kidding - look it up.  Did you look it up? Go ahead, you have time.  Now start making that airplane.  Anyone who submits one of those stupid "loop" airplanes that can fly 47 miles will be scolded.  That's just lame, and completely impractical.  Noone can fly in a paper loop.

Enough silliness.  (Is that even possible?).  Your Weekly Events Update, in its Final Edition, would like to thank you all and note how thoroughly enjoyable it has been updating your weekly events these last two years.  For those of you who have experienced the full development of Weekly Events from the fledgling publication of early last year to the Media Juggernaut it has become today, hats off to you.  And for those of you who have, in fact, actually read Your Weekly Events Update, the Update genuinely appreciates your support, but would like to note that your class rank would have improved by at least 10 places if you had not.  Just sayin. 

Special thanks before we part: to ye loyal readers (you know who you are), also Ben Harmon and Zach Glaser, AmandaKira (y'all are basically one person), Scotty and Dave, Jbrad and TBone, the FourFecta (may she rest in peace), Omar, Chad and Bettis, Deans Smith and Romantz (for realizing that the Update is basically harmless, maybe, and not expelling it) and, of course, Mar. 

Also a special thanks to (the saintly and infinitely patient) Dean Yolanda Ingram, for putting up with the snark and allowing it to run free.  Your Weekly Events Update would not be possible without her, so everyone give her a round of applause when you see her in the halls.  She can blame me for the public humiliation, but I'm out, so the fallout will be minimal.

For the 1Ls - the hard part is over.  Wait. Nope.  It's not.  Sorry for the false hopes.  But it's ok.  Somebody, somewhere, loves you.  Probably.  Keep on truckin' and you'll make it.  At least you know you can pass a class or 3, at this point.

For the 2Ls - As the inaugural class continuously subjected to Your Weekly Events Update, it is utterly amazing you've made it this far.  Seriously, how are you still in school?  No really?  It cannot be explained.  It's been an amazing run with ya, and Your Weekly Events Update truly wishes you the best.   Keep up the good work, and carry on the legacy.  Blue shirt day last year was pretty funny though.  Wait, you just got that?

For the 3Ls - well then.  We're done?  (That's right, Your Weekly Events Update  is going to suspend the bizarre and inexplicable tradition of talking in the third person for this extra special send-off).  We can't be done?  Let me check the script.  Ah yes - for those of us silly enough to take an employment-related class, sadly, we are not. (See the above rule about syllabi and damages caps).  But it's not like I'm never going to see y'all again. We've got Graduation, the Reception at Waterford Plaza, and the afterparty at Earnestine and Hazel's, complete with all the apple and grape juice you can stomach.  And then there's BarBri.  I don't even wanna talk about it.  In all seriousness, we've had "quite" a ride, huh? (No, I will not steal the title from a certain professor some of us had once and haven't seen since.  That, my friends, would be lame).  So whether you suffered through Banks or Gitchel and Tha Joon, Gus's REGS or Kratzke's "boot," the unconscionability of Mulroy's velcro tennies or the raw power of Wanat's banana-vest, found it awkward to learn about treasure troves from a pirate 1L year or nearly exploded when Professah Brayyyyzzzha called you out, here's to us!  We finally made it, and now the work really begins. (WHAT?????!!!!!)  That's right, I'll say it, because a certain Law Review Editor didn't - now we have to be excellent.  (DRAMATIC PAUSE).  In ALL that we do.  We put in the time, now we put it into action.  Some of us will be trial lawyers, others will set the record for most disposed-of traffic tickets, and I would wager that at least 3 of us will become Supreme Court Justices.  I'm lookin at you, Omar.  (Once you're on the bench, however, you have to promise to throw your gavel at Bettis when he's pretending to be extremely important).  We will work for the government, the man, and ourselves.  We'll plan corporate mergers, assert the insanity defense, and J. Bradley Mercer will become the first Governor with a mullet (that is, if Marek doesn't beat him to it).  We'll remember Dean Ingram's seminars (if there was pizza there), Lynda Black at Pete's House (kidding?), and the deep love between Aizaz and Andrew MacNaughton Smith (will we ever).  We'll roll our eyes to the question "Did you take any classes downtown?" for the rest of our lives, then remember that at least we no longer had to study in a library with an inch of water in the basement.  But wherever we go and whatever we do, we'll always have our years at Cecil C. to look back on as THE WORST DECISION OF OUR LIVES.  (Kidding.  A little.)  The experiences we've shared will shape the rest of our lives. As for me, my time at Cecil C. has been, in a word, amazing.  I wouldn't change a thing. 

Except Andrew's Cornrows.  Those I would change.

As always, and for the last time, have a great, and safe, week,

Kenny

Kenny Hickman
Class of 2010
Cecil C. Humphreys School of Law
901 490 6391
klhckman@memphis.edu